Submitted by Joey: Location Unknown.
Oh, what a weekend I’ve had. Last night I get $4 on a $250 bill & tonight this…
Shooooot. I only order cocktails with names as offensive as my tipping.
Last table of the night & four SLEAZY, lowlife rednecks walk in & they get my section. I introduce myself to take the drink order & he orders…a “Mandarin Mother Fucker”. I have no clue what he’s talking about (& neither does he…he just heard about them & wanted to try it) because he can’t even pronounce Mandarin correctly so I ask him to spell it. He mumbles something & it’s at this point that I say…”Oh, you mean MANDARIN”…& he asks “do you know how to spell “Mother Fucker” right out loud in the restaurant. I’m like…yeah, I got that part.
Well, I probably should have said we don’t sell it, but I was curious & this was my only table so I said what the hell…I Googled it on my iPhone & got the recipe for the bartender. He LOVED it…& he & his trashy girlfriend had 2 each (at $10 a piece).
They ordered apps, & the Mother (yes, the Mother who was even trashier than her son was there) ordered a virgin daiquiri b/c she was the d/d. They all ordered steak & shrimp…& ran up a $130 bill.
And this ONE table had me running for over an hour. Turn the music up, turn the music down, can we get more rolls…I’m missing a shrimp (he was convinced everyone else got more shrimp than him). The mother even gave me a demonstration on how she could tie a cherry stem in a knot…& told her son to ask his Dad about that sometime!
This book can make working in the service industry much more tolerable.
At the end & after sitting in my section for an HOUR after they finished…he hands me a crumbled up $5 bill & says “thanks man”. His Mom then reaches in her purse & says “I got a dollar for you two”.
Yep…a $6 tip for two hours…& I had to give $3 of that to the bartender & another $1 to the busboy!
My patience is wearing VERY thin with the people in this town.
From The Editor: Thanks again, Joey, for the excellent submission. Yeah, classless, countrified white folk aren’t much fun to wait on. If it’s not a cocktail with a curse word in it, it’s a round of Budweisers that generally tell the tale of what’s to come, a shitty tip.
If anyone is interested in that Mandarin Mother Fucker Recipe, I couldn’t find it, but I did find this one:
2 1/2 oz Mandarin vodka
6.8 oz tonic water
1/2 oz fresh lime juice
5 ice cubes or equivalent in crushed ice
let me guess… fat, sweet tea drinkers from georgia
haha…here’s the recipe. It’s actually not bad, I tried it!
1 Part Absolut Vodka
1 Part Kahlua
1 Part Melon Liqueur
1 Part Creme de Banane
1 Part Southern Comfort
1 Splash Sour Mix
1 Splash Sprite
1 Dash Grenadine